An Apology Does Not Include A “BUT”
Couples, family members and close friends can do and say hurtful things to each other. Sometimes these words or actions can sever relationships, build resentments and cause a lot of hurt feelings within relationships. Much of this is due to people’s inability to discuss the hurt or resolve the conflict and move forward. A lot of hurt can be resolved from a genuine apology, but unfortunately apologies are not that easy for many people. An apology is meaningless if it needs to be coached out of someone or if there is “I’m sorry, but you….” Taking ownership of your own comments or behaviors is paramount in a sincere apology.
An effective apology acknowledges that your actions hurt or offended the other person and you are taking responsibility for your actions. You want to convey that you genuinely care about the person and that you know and care that your actions hurt them. You also want to show them that you will not do or act in the same way moving forward.
An effective example would be:
“I am sorry that I lost my temper on you last night. I have a lot going on at work, but I should not take that out on you. I love you and I will try to do better for you in the future.”
Another scenario is when someone finds out that their spouse had an affair. If a couple wants to stay together, the person who cheated needs to apologize and acknowledge their fault and how they are going to change.
“ I am sorry I cheated on you. I know that I hurt you deeply and you may never get over this . I know I broke your trust. I understand if you are not able to continue in this relationship. I will do anything I can to help rebuild the trust we once had even if it means giving you open access to my phone and computer etc”.
This is taking ownership of the behavior, acknowledging how it hurt the person and accepting responsibility and acknowledging that there has to be change in the relationship to rebuild it.
An ineffective apology is:
“I am sorry for whatever I did to upset you last night”. This is too vague and does not take any responsibility for the action that caused the hurt.
Another example is “I am sorry. I didn’t know this was such a sensitive issue for you.” This is putting the blame on someone else as if their response is overly sensitive and it is not taking responsibility for the action.
And finally, there is the “I am sorry that I criticized how you did that, but you are careless about things and often make mistakes”. This puts all the blame on the person that someone is trying to apologize to. Clearly this is not a genuine apology.
There are four key components to a sincere apology:
1. Full acknowledgement of the offense: Start by stating exactly what you did wrong. Accept responsibility.
2. An explanation: This is an honest explanation which is the only way to restore peace and trust in the relationship.
3. Expressing true remorse: Acknowledging the hurt.
4. Repairing what has been broken: What can I do to make this better in the future. What can I do to be a better friend, partner, or sibling?
Apologies are an important part of all relationships. No one is perfect and expecting that people are is not realistic. It is the ability to acknowledge one’s faults and show that you care about them moving forward that matters.
